Not my will but Yours be done...

My life is not my own... This is something I do not understand fully, yet it makes sense to me. I understand that God is in control and that His will for my life is perfect and just. I just sometimes try and do everything on my own strength to manipulate what he wants for me or is calling me to.. You know it's actually quite easy to fall into a habit of doing that.. Sometimes we receive gifts in our lives or just simply good things are happening according to what we think is good... And even in such times we pray and say thank you God for these blessings, we say things like.. this is a good thing because "I like it" and therefor can't really be bad in God's mind. I always tell myself I don't want to put God in a box and limit Him to the things in my life.. but honestly I realized today that God has a plan for me, and that sometimes I try and turn or manipulate things that I think are good to reflect "God's" will.. yet His plan definitely will prevail no matter how hard I try and alter it to meet my needs. I have been reading in my Bible, doing a study of the gospels and this weekend read the part where Jesus walks into the garden with his Disciples and asks them to pray.. Then He prays as well and says to God "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done"Luke 22... huh.. and even though I read that scripture I still said yeah.. "Lord let Your will be done..." but what I really felt is this... "Lord let your will be done in my favor" or "let Your will be done so that I am rewarded" I guess that's really the same thing twice over, however it identifies my struggle it a little clearer. A recent event has challenged me with this "God's will" thing in my life... I don't need to mention details or anything, but an aspect of my life needed guidance.. and so I prayed and prayed and prayed... and asked God to show me clarity... And I read the bible and read the bit about "your will be done..." and like I said, even though I read that.. in my conscience I was thinking.. "Well God likes me and wouldn't hurt my feelings... so basically if I ask Him to favor me in this matter... "His will would be done"... BUT NO!! Okay so maybe my thoughts seem scattered but I realised and actually needed somewhat of a kick to realize this... but I realized that God's plan or will for my life is HIS... and when I hear Him calling or presenting me with a situation, the outcome or answer is there... however, this is the hard part.. the answer He has or the outcome we know He has for us is not always what we want.. and so my selfish desire kicks in and "twists"and tries to conform what I'd like into what I then tell myself must be God's will... Well here's the truth.. God's plan hurts! But it doesn't have to hurt if I am obedient and following him everyday. Then I will see His plan/will for me clearly and be so very content and happy. I think if we weren't challenged sometimes by His will that we would not be serving him... or we'd have no need for a God...what I mean by that is, if we are constantly or at least manipulating God's will to conform to our own selfish desires... then we create this fickle sense of temporary happiness. This is not how you know God's will is actually His will. God's will for me is real.. when I am challenged against my own selfishness and called to a higher more purposeful calling from Him. I am sorry for this combustion of scattered thoughts.. but I think I finally get it.. When I was baptised one of the elders at my church read me a verse of encouragement and it was the psalm about "delighting yourself in the Lord...Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"... Well... I guess that's just it. that is what I need to do.. I am looking forward to the challenge of seeking God's true will/plan for me in my life always/daily, not just for the future but for now too.. I can no longer try and create my own sense of what His will might be for me because of my feelings or desires... He knows best. I think sometimes we just loose ourselves in what we think is good for us, when God has so much more in store, and in if we wait upon Him for His timing and are faithful.. delighting in Him we will see this truth a reality. God's time is perfect.. wait upon Him.

My prayer is this for me and for all: "Lord let all my selfish and worldly desires be gone and be made knew in your strength. So that this will or plan I seek for me is of You! May my thoughts be pure and concise, and my new desires line up with Yours undeniably. May I seek first Your kingdom Lord in order to receive and understand the joy of knowing I am Yours and that in You I am safe. Let me do this before I seek to reap the benefits of my own strength.. that ultimately lead me to destruction...Help me to be dilegent while I seek Your will for me, remind me that Your time for matters in my life is always better than that of my own understading.
AMEN